“Love Means Never Having To Leave Money On The Pillow”

By JOE CARCINOGENIC
Big Shout Magazine, November 1992

Chicks dig me. They really do. I consider it a curse of sorts — a horrible cross I’ve borne since I don’t know when. Every day it’s the same thing: Girls throwing themselves at my feet, asking me to father their children; phone calls from hard-up friends and co-workers, begging me for pointers. It seems there’s a certain allure to being handsome, wealthy, and wildly successful in these troubled times.

This being the case, I’ve decided to respond to my public and fill you in on my secrets. You’re welcome. What follows is a typical date scenario, chock full o’ hot tips on what to wear, how to act, and other valuable tidbits of information guaranteed to turn you from a Pee Wee Herman into a Mel Gibson. Tape this column to your mirror for easy reference. Here goes.

Preparation

Never begin getting ready for a date until around 15 minutes before you’re supposed to pick her up. This way you won’t look too eager when you show up with wet hair and dried toothpaste on your face. Nonchalance is the attitude here.

Clothing is important. Wear some. Don’t wear shirts unbuttoned around your neck. Steer clear of power plaid. Always wear clean underwear and take your toothbrush and contact lens stuff, just in case.

Rent a BMW, Saab, or Porsche for the evening. Chicks don’t dig Pintos. If you’re driving your own car, take the panties off the rear-view mirror.

Picking Up Your Date

Never be on time. This is an old trick. Beat them to the punch. If you told her 8 p.m, pull in around 9:30 p.m. This way she’ll be sure to be ready, and you can still catch Northern Exposure. Bring a gift of flowers, candy, or kitchen appliances. Be horribly polite at the door. This is an important moment — the point where the outcome of the evening will be decided. Do not drool or pick your nose. Check your fly.

Note on blind dates: Be very careful if a person calling himself your best friend has set you up on a blind date with a “really nice chick.” She most likely will turn out looking like Ernest Borgnine. If this happens, nip the date in the bud at the door. Explain to her that you are the TV repairman and will come back at a more convenient time, then turn slowly and spring screaming to the car. Don’t look back. This may appear rude, but it beats spending 40 bucks and five hours with the loser. Dating is not pretty. Before agreeing to any blind date, insist on seeing photographs and college transcripts.

Meeting The Parents

A crucial area, this. The mother is the easy one here. Simply tell her it is a pleasure to meet her, adding that you “can see where (date’s name here) got her good looks.” Lie to her. She will blush and giggle and say what a nice young man you are. Piece o’ cake.

Dad is a different story altogether. Face it, you’re holding the virginity of the man’s daughter in your two slimy hands, so he’s bound to be a bit tense. He will want to know everything about you. Be creative. Tell him what he wants to hear. Keep references to this magazine and heavy metal rock groups to a minimum. Suck up to him. If he was an athlete, you’re on a full-ride football scholarship. If he was in the army, you saw Rambo five times and think we should immediately bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age. If he’s a Republican, you think Bill Clinton is a Communist. Don’t drink his good scotch unless it’s offered to you.

The Date

We all know that the date itself is traditionally a drag — nothing but inconvenient “filler.” This does not have to be the case, however. Go to a ball game. Go see some pro wrestling. Go bowling. Take her to a gun club or the gym. Take her to a Steven Seagal movie. Do something you enjoy — something real macho so she knows she’s got a real find in you.

It will be necessary to go a little crazy on dinner; chicks can spot a cheapskate at a hundred paces. Denny’s is nice. So is DQ. Wendy’s has good cheese fries.

Leave a huge tip and make sure she sees you do it. When you’re on the way out, tell her you left something back at the table. Tell her to wait for you, then return to the table and reclaim your dough. Works like a charm.

Dinner conversation should be relegated to pleasant, civilized topics. Do not tell shuttle jokes. Do not belch unless she does so first. Ask her permission before lighting up a cigarette or doing any sort of drug, and be sure to offer her some. If discussing TV or the movies, tell her you absolutely adore Phil Donahue, Alan Alda, and Kevin Costner. She’ll think you’re a sensitive ’90s type of guy.

After the Date

Dinner is over, as is the movie. You’re in the car on the way home. Sinatra is crooning from the speakers. You somehow make several wrong turns and wind up in a bean field 80 miles from civilization. Nice work. She’ll wonder why you’re in a bean field. This is natural.

Obviously, she won’t believe you’re out of gas. That line went out years ago. Tell her your “carburetor adjustment cog” has overheated and needs to cool off for a few hours or so depending on her mood. If she’s not all over your by this time, begin to sob and explain to her that you have a terminal disease and may not live ’til morning. This will melt even the most frigid of hearts.

It’s 4 a.m. Her dad began calling the local authorities six hours ago. She’s blitzed. Essential parts of your clothing are scattered across a bean field somewhere. You have visions of her father waiting at home with a shotgun. You’re a dead man, right? Not necessarily. Do not go back to her house. Simply stop somewhere nearby and tell her it’s her corner. The walk will do her good and you’ll be miles away before her dad can get a description of your car.

(Note: If she’s in no condition to walk, be a stand-up guy and leave her at a bus stop. Give her some change so she can get home when she wakes up, or bribe the winos to leave her alone. I’ve found that a 79-cent bungee strap works well to keep them standing against light posts, parked cars, etc.)

That’s all there is to it, fellas. Keep in mind, this is merely a general overview of dating do’s and don’ts; feel free to improvise.