“If you love someone, set them free.”
— Sting

“… And if they don’t come back, hunt them down and kill them.”
— Kelly Carcinogenic

By KELLY CARCINOGENIC
Big Shout Magazine, December 1992

Last month my little brother Joe (those of you who’ve gone out with him understand that by little I don’t mean younger) wrote an article containing dating tips for me. I thought it only fair that in this supposed “Year of the Woman,” a similar guide be available to you women out there. So here goes.

Getting the Date

First off, avoid blind dates. Usually the only thing blind about these dates is the soon-to-be-ex-friend who arranged them. More importantly, never ever, ever consult classified ads to snare a prospective date. Never. A used Buick perhaps, but never a potential mate. I mean, really, I refuse to be branded as an affectionate, well-bred S.W.F., and maybe I don’t like long walks on the beach. And why does W.P.S.M.A. (Wealthy Passionate Single Male Adonis) invariably turn out to be a real B.O.N.E.R. (Boring Overweight Narcissistic Ex-Realtor)?

Singles bars are also an ineffective way to meet men. In these places you can meet, fall in love with, and get engaged to a person without ever getting a clear view of them. This inevitably leads to embarrassing situations like finding out on the day of your wedding that you’re engaged to a cigarette machine, which isn’t so bad when you consider what else is available singles bars.

The Actual Date

Well, just for argument’s sake, let’s say you actually do manage to scare up someone who’s single, interested, and has the desired number of appendages. Consider asking him how he feels about traditional values. Usually a man who firmly believes in traditional values really believes that A.) he’ll do the driving and B.) you’ll cook, do the laundry, have the babies and not question why you have to get lost on Monday nights. If he doesn’t pass this critical test, dig the remote out from behind the sofa and make sure you have fresh batteries, because it’s going to be a long weekend.

When you’re on a date in a restaurant, observe how your date treats the waiter. Does he sneer, “Bring me this, bring me that?” Does he nitpick unimportant details and treat the waiter like an indentured servant? Yes, watch carefully how your date treats the waiter because that’s exactly how he’ll be treating you in six months.

There are several grounds for the immediate termination of a date. For example: A.) excessive use of chatty French phrases. B.) ending an argument with the phrase “my analyst thinks that… ” C.) motivational cassette tapes in his car or D.) a personalized license plate, are all offenses of severity bordering on intolerable.

Bringing the parents along on the date is D.) also grounds for termination. But if you do happen to meet the parents, do yourself a favor and take a good hard look at them. How are they holding up? How’s their skin tone? Their muscle structure? Remember, Gold’s Gym might do wonders for a 28-year old, but the basic DNA is for keeps.

If you somehow find yourself at your date’s home, take a quick check on how many sets of bed sheets is changing them too often. This is another good time to press the old eject button on the date.

There are many ways to end a date tactfully. If you’re really creative, you might even be able to get out with a shred of dignity and smile on your face. Try describing in detail the problems with your job, your diet, and your mother. If you’re still in the restaurant, openly slip your number to the waiter. Tell him how much you love Ferraris, especially if he’s driving a Yugo or something equally cheap. Remember, when he starts squirming and tells you that he “needs a little time,” it means time to find somebody else.

Sometimes you’ll get lucky and find you’re with somebody who’s not a total lummox. You can tell you’ve actually met Mr. Right after a few dates. He makes your head light, your heart leap, and your chest tight. Unfortunately, these are also the three warning signs for an inflamed gall bladder, so it’s always best to consult a doctor before jumping to any conclusions.

The Sex

Did you ever notice that when you get up after sex to get a glass of water, you always fill up the glass, drink half of it, then fill it again before heading back to bed. Why is that? All I really have to say about sex is, if you’re lucky enough to wake up the next morning and you’re both still happy, more power to you. And you guys, remember that despite Mr. Webster may have in his dictionary, no does mean no. So does “I had you and I never want to see you again.”

Remember, it’s a war out there and the sexual revolution (May 15, 1966 to Jan. 1, 1990) is quite dead. Don’t forget who you are and what you stand for, but bring a condom anyway. And please, avoid any encounter with my little brother Joe; he’s used that line about the Jacuzzi many times before.