WE’RE AN ANTARCTICAN BAND — GWAR invades the Trocadero on June 23. (Left to right) Balsac the Jaws of Death, Jizmack the Gusher, The Sexecutioner, Flattus Maximus, Slymenstra Hymen, Beefcake the Mighty, and Oderus Urungus.

BY GREGG KIRK
Big Shout Magazine, June 1992

Depending on who you talk to, the formation of the universe as we know it might not have been such a glorious process. There are those who maintain that God created heaven and earth in six days and on the seventh day He rested. And there are some who stand by the “Big Bang” theory.

But there’s also a twisted group of people out there who really think that one day a hundred billion years ago, the Master of All Reality took a dump and the universe was born. He needed something to wipe with, so he created the Scumdogs of the Universe, an elite group of disease-ridden warriors, scraped from the bottom of the galactic barrel… and they became know as GWAR.

They raped and pillaged their way across the universe until the Master grew tired of their antics, and he entombed them in a prison of ice somewhere in Antarctica on this very planet.

GWAR was not so easily put down, and after years of telepathic suggestion, they influenced the earth’s inhabitants (especially poofy-haired rock stars) to use hairspray, which in turn depleted the planet’s ozone layer, and thereby, thawed the band from it’s frozen dungeon.

Enter ex-Reagan aid and Mafia money heir Sleazy P. Martini, who happened upon the group just as they were kicking the ice from their oozing feet. He didn’t view them as having any historic or scientific significance — he saw them as an opportunity to make a quick buck. And thus he coaxed the group into picking up electric guitars and wreaking havoc upon an unsuspecting world.

This they have done for some five odd years. Sure, they’ve met some enemies along the way — Gor-Gor, the towering orange Tyrannosaurus Rex, who the band disemboweled onstage last year; Techno-Destructo, the cybernetic mutant bent on GWAR’s destruction; and the PMRC, probably the most hideous and ruthless of the lot who has never been to thrilled with the band’s lyrical content — but what self-respecting group of fecal-and-bile-spewing rockers doesn’t? Actually all this activity has worked them into a lather, so by the time they make it to the Trocadero in Philadelphia on Tuesday, June 23, they’ll be their usual selves… i.e. pissed.

Big Shout Magazine had an opportunity to speak with two members of GWAR — it’s only female member, Slymenstra Hymen, and manager Sleazy P. Martini — during the southern leg of its American “Hedonism vs. Technology” Tour. This is what they had to say…

Slymenstra Hymen: I HEAR YOU’RE SOME KIND OF BIG SHOT. THIS IS SLYMENSTRA HYMEN, MISTRESS OF THE UNPLUMBED DEPTHS. WHAT DO YOU WANT, MORTAL?

Big Shout: Well, I’d like to ask you a few questions if I could.

SH: PROCEED.

BS: I’d like to start by asking the lamest possible question an interviewer could as a band member: What are some of your artistic influences?

SH: We do not have any artistic influences! See, we have influenced all art. We have been on this planet so long that most of the likenesses in your art do resemble us.

BS: Speaking of art, the group has seemed to take a more reserved artistic approach with your latest album, American Must Be Destroyed. In fact, I see a more sensitive side on songs like “Road Behind.”

SH: Where we talk about our past days? Don’t get used to it!

BS: Yeah, right and on the song “Gilded Lilly” you say the band has partied with Milli Vanilli…

SH: Yes, indeed we do sometimes. We have picked up a few of their lip-syncing techniques.

BS: Judging from a recent promo shot that was sent here, it looks as if the band members have lost a little weight. Are you all dieting or taking Slimfast?

SH: Nobody has lost weight! Especially Beefcake the Mighty. He is from Planet Cholesterol. He will always be fat. The Planet Cholesterol was, like, two planets away from Scumdogia (where GWAR originated) and three planets away from the planet I come from called Clittusphere. We were enslaved as babymakers for the Master, and he would steal our sons an use them for his evil plots.

BS: How did you guys all meet?

SH: We were all elitist warriors in the Scumdongs of the Universe, and we were all banished to this planet because we were too powerful.

BS: Some of the girls here in the office want to know which male members of the band are unattached.

SH: I think all of them. None of their brain membranes attach to the rest of their bodies. They’re very unconnected people. They’re like pleasure-seeking idiots!

BS: (laughs) Actually I was asking if they were married or engaged…

SH: I KNOW. (Laughs contemptuously)

BS: Do you have a special message for our readers?

SH: A MESSAGE TO ALL YOU MEN OUT THERE FROM SLYMENSTRA HYMEN: “ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HER” (This is a quote from Dante). AND ALSO FOR THE WOMEN, I’D LIKE TO SAY “THOU WHOM EATETH FROM YOUR BLOODY CAULDRON SHALL FALL TO YOUR WRATH.” (Drops the telephone. After a few moments, a voice with a very thick Bronx accent is heard on the other line.)

GWAR manager and presidential candidate Sleazy P. Martini

Voice: Yo, what’s up?!

BS: Hey, who’s this?

Voice: Sleazy P. Martini

BS: All right. Sleazy, I was wondering if your presidential campaign has taken away from time spent on the band.

SPM: Well, as a matter of fact, I have been neglecting my duties somewhat. I’ve only been able to make one short appearance during each show, and that is for the purpose of promoting my presidency. It’s a beautiful thing, ya know — to manage a band and to be able to turn it into a campaign platform as well…

BS: Yeah, I have a question about one of the planks of your platform. In a recent press release I read that you propose to get rid of the “meddlesome bureaucracies such as Congress and the Senate.” What do you plan to replace them with?

SPM: Well, uh, of course there are, uh, many types of government, but uh, I think we all know what Sleazy P. is talking about. I think we’re talkin’ basically DICTATORSHIP here. But I don’t wanna say “dictatorship.” That’s such a nasty word. Think of me more as your Big Brother… lookin’ out for ya. Protection, you know what I mean? Protection. I wanna make sure the trains run on time, you know what I’m talkin’ about? Make sure everything keeps movin’ smoothly. Keep those wheels greased, you know what I’m talkin’ about?

BS: I understand that GWAR has denied starting the L. A. riots…

SPM: Well, I mean, you know we were just cruisin’ through. We did a little shopping stopover. We picked up a couple VCRs, a couple TVs… no big deal. The next thing you know, all hell broke loose. The way GWAR window shops just kind of inspires chaos, ya know?

BS: I’ve been watching the polls for the presidential campaign and couldn’t help but notice that you haven’t even showed up on them. Does that concern you at all?

SPM: Oh, not in the least, not in the least. I have a silent army on my side, ya see.

BS: Do you have any plans up your sleeve to push you through at the last minute?

SPM: Well, as a matter of fact, yes. The final week before the election, I plan to buy one hour’s worth of prime time TV and announce my program — a vote for Sleazy entitles you to a 40-ounce bumper of malt liquor … and a gun. And I think that will sweep me into the White House.

BS: It could very well. Do you have a special campaign promise for the people in the City of Brotherly Love?

SPM: Yes, I do. If elected president, I plan to free (local serial killer) Gary Heidnick, who is a political prisoner in my eyes. And I’d make him the acting mayor as well as the Chief of Police of your fine city.

BS: I’m sure everybody will be happy to hear that.

SPM: That’s right, the Philly Cheese Steak King back where he belongs. Remember, vote Sleazy… or you’re whacked!