How to Get Bitten by a Swan

Published by greggkirk on December 20, 2021December 20, 2021

By Gregg Kirk
A few days per week I take my dog Dusty to a park where I live in Connecticut where our local river and the Long Island Sound intersect. Each time we go there, we find something new. I’ve begun to notice that the substantial flock of seagulls who always seem to be sunning themselves or resting on the soccer field across the street from the water have been harvesting oysters during low tide and then dropping them on the parking lot. Once the shellfish hit the pavement, the seagulls swoop in and feast on the meat inside. When I first saw all of the half shells and shell dust littering the parking lot, I wondered who would be ordering oysters on the half shell and then bringing them to the park to eat. I simply looked up to see all of the well-fed seagulls lolling in the sun to realize what was really happening.

In the past few days, we’ve come across a small bank of swans who have been scouring the shallows of the river looking for food. I was surprised to see them actually approach me when I went down to the water’s edge one day, but they began shrieking and hissing when Dusty joined me. I shot some video of it and shared it on social media and everyone was amused that I had captured “7 swans a-swimming” just before the Christmas holiday. When I mentioned how friendly this group seemed to be and that I’ve only known swans to be grumpy because I’ve actually been bitten by one, several people were even more amused by this and asked me how someone gets bitten by a swan in the first place. Here is how you do it…

First, it helps if you are in your early 20s and you and your male friend of the same age know of a place where a group of swans are known to hang out. When he says, “Let’s go fuck with the swans today,” this actually sounds like a good idea to you because you are young, stupid and don’t know anything about swans. What the hell are they going to do with their beautiful wings and graceful necks? Even though they’re big, they’re about the least intimidating large avian you could imagine.

Drive to the encounter laughing and imagining in a mocking way just how funny it will be when the swans scatter as you run at them. It helps that when you park your car, you see the 10 or so swans in a pond at the bottom of a hill and you are on top of it. It’s a perfect attack spot where you can go charging down the hill like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart,” shouting something intimidating that will surely scare the guano out of the birds.

The problem is, swans are not intimidated by much of anything so that when you go running down the hill like idiots, shouting with your arms outstretched, several of the male swans stand their ground, open their wings and raise their necks to achieve a full body height of at least 6 feet in size. THEY are the ones who look intimidating, and when you realize they aren’t going to scatter, it’s already too late. You’re less than 10 yards away from them and they are meeting you full on, prepared to defend their group. As you turn in retreat, they give chase and even though you have your back to one of them, it manages to maneuver its long neck around the front of you — somehow sensing that your weak spot is that unprotected area between your legs. The swan makes contact with the fleshy part of your leg, about halfway down your inner thigh, and it feels exactly like someone clamping down on you with a pair of pliers.

You run back to the car out of breath, with an entirely new respect for swan self defense. You and your friend promise never to speak of this humiliating event with anyone.

All of this happened to me, and I’d just like to say here that since I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, I make it a point to get along with all animals I come in contact with. I would never go out of my way to tease any animal, and I have learned from the error of my ways.

To make things more embarrassing, when my girlfriend at the time saw my swan wound, she accused me of getting that mark from a non-avian source, and my true explanation didn’t hold much water with her. She didn’t believe me for a long time and to add insult to injury, I had to ask my friend to corroborate my story.

So that’s how you go about getting bitten by a swan. That said, I can’t say I recommend it.