By GREGG KIRK
Big Shout Magazine, June 1991

If you believe the forecasters, this will be one big year to go to the beach.

According to experts, large herds of homo sapiens will be seen massing at their borders, waiting for some unheard signal, only to begin trampling each other to death in a pell mell struggle to get to the ocean. Once there, they will begin orgiastic mating dances and rituals that will leave some wounded, some dead, and some scarred for life.

Bearers of offspring will attempt to shield their young from the fray, and elders will look on with a mixture of contempt and fear of the loss of their personal security and their community’s serenity.

While these gatherings will grow in surges of intensity, they will not wane until the final dog days of summer, after the shoreline has been left barren and devoid of life. It’s a savage season, but it seems a necessary and inescapable part of human life — the beach season.

With Memorial Day behind us and the advent of June, the most crucial part of the period is upon us. Now is the time of predictions, forecasts, and wringing of hands by beach business owners. After a dismal season last year and with the grip of the recession causing vacationers to make their travel plans a little closer to home, this year looks to be a banner year for both the Delaware beaches and the Jersey shore.

“We got off to a great start,”says Sandra Artist of the Rehoboth Beach/Dewey Beach Chamber of Commerce of this year’s tell-tale Memorial Day crowd. “People are walking around with smiling faces. We are not easing into this ease. We’re jumping in head first.”

“It was magnificent,” echoes Blair Learn of the Greater Atlantic City Convention & Visitors Bureau. “Of course the weather helped. The boardwalk was packed shoulder to shoulder. There were three-quarters of a million people here over the weekend. That’s a quarter of a million per day. If this is any indication, it will be a wonderful summer.”

Knowing full well that this year’s beach crowds could reach record proportions, the intelligent beachgoer must arm him/herself with a number of weapons to be prepared for the inevitable shorebound onslaught. It’s not enough to be a step ahead of the endless parade of vehicles to the beach — the masses will consume you soon enough. No, these days you’ve got to think ahead of the whole situation. These days, you must know what your options are lest you get swallowed up in a sea of humanity even before you see the sea. For this very reason, we have compiled a collection of pointers, hints, and things to do that will keep you in the place you want to be at the right time. So, before you pack your sunscreen, zinc oxide, and Ray-Bans, browse through these pages. It may help your beach season be a little less savage.

Highway to Hell

There’s no way around it. As long as this country remains light years behind the rest of the world in the public transportation department, you’re going to have to endured hours of tedious, mind-numbing driving that will make you feel as if you’ve watched back-to-back double features of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II and that godawful Madonna movie. In order to remain alert while making the drive, you’ll need to bring a couple of household items with you: a handful of fragrant potpourri, a few tissues, a dictionary, one old shoe, and a pen and paper. Assuming you are making the trip with at least one other individual, these things may help you keep your sanity while making the trek.

The first thing that you need to use is the pen and paper. As soon as you get to a point in your driving where it would be too inconvenient for you to turn back, begin thinking about and writing down all of the important things you forgot to bring. Spend at least half an hour doing this until you’ve compiled about two dozen items. The, once you’ve worked up a head of steam, crumple up the paper, smash it against your forehead, and throw it away. You’re on vacation, dammit!

The next thing you need to employ is the dictionary. Use it to play the stupid dictionary game, where you think of an unusual word and make up fake definitions and have your friends guess the correct one. Or use it to be the referee in any other word game yo might know. Play a number of these games for an hour, and then begin annoying your friends by rattling off definitions of words they might or might not care to know.

Sooner or later you’re going to come to a point in the drive where the going gets a little pastoral. In Delaware, you will inevitably be surrounded by chicken houses, and in New Jersey you will run into a stretch of cattle farms. You may begin to notice that the driving has become a little… aromatic, shall we say. There’s a particular stretch just sound of Dover on Rt. 13 that smells just like a dead clam. In New Jersey, there’s a spot on Rt. 40 that smells like a cow butt.

When you reach these places, get out the potpourri and wrap a handful of it in tissue. Twist it into a ball, forming a sort of handle on the end at the same time. What you’ve created is a pomander — what they used during Elizabethan times to drown out the smell of raw sewage and other refuse that was present on most village streets. Never mind the history, wave this thing under your nose, and you’ll be able to remain conscious while passing through this phase of your journey.

You can use the old show at any point in your trip. When you get to a particularly boring stretch of road, throw the shoe out the window. Laugh hysterically, and never again wonder where those damn mateless shoes come from that you see littering the roadside.

Places To Go

Before you head south, you’re going to want to pick your destination carefully. We’ve divided a grouping of beach resorts into a list of “wild,” “mild,” and “borderline” choices. The mild ones consist of the more family oriented/laid back resorts that frown upon loud music and keg parties and tent to try to perpetuate a peaceful atmosphere. While our wild choices don’t exactly condone drinking and carrying on, they are a little more tolerant of it. And the borderline choices fall somewhere in between.

New Jersey

Wild:

Atlantic City: What more could be said about the “World’s Playground?” If you tire of the casinos, there are always the nightclubs, the boardwalk, the beaches… the list is endless.

Margate: The town is noted for its numerous bars and college parties. Yes, there is a beach as well.

Ocean City: While there are no alcoholic beverages allowed in the town, it doesn’t slow down the crowds.

Wildwood: The boardwalk is packed in the day time and the bars are mobbed at night. High school graduation parties and college keg bashes have made this beach legendary as a place to get your summer ya-yas out.

Borderline:

Brigantine: The town is slow-moving during the off months, but its large beach and handful of bars bring it to life in the heat of the summer.

Sea Isle City: Like a handful of beach communities in Delaware, this town is locked in mortal combat between youthful inhabitants who would prefer the bars be the center of attention and the older residents who would have it be more of a family beach. Because of this, I’ve heard some of the younger crowd nickname this beach “Senile City.”

Ventnor: This community is like a slowed-down version of Margate, whose border it shares.

Mild:

Avalaon: Sporting the highest sand dunes in the state, this town is an ideal place to take the family.

Cape May: Just a short ride across the bay from Lewes, DE on the Cape May/Lewes ferry, Cape May is a quaint little historic town known for its antique shops and bed & breakfasts.

Stone Harbor: A great place to go shopping and bird watching. Stone Harbor has a nice beach as well.

Delaware

Wild:

Dewey Beach: Its town fathers fight the rowdy crowds every year, but that doesn’t stop the surge of high school and college revelers who come to make this beach their summer hangout.

Ocean City, MD: No, it’s not in Delaware, but it would be an oversight to neglect mentioning the enormous beach community that borders Fenwick, Island, DE. It’s fast becoming Maryland’s answer to the largest beach resorts New Jersey has to offer.

Borderline:

Rehoboth Beach: Not unlike Dewey Beach, this town struggles with an identity crisis every year between being labeled a family beach to being considered a viable place for nightlife activity.

Mild:

Bethany Beach: It’s a small town with a good-sized beach and a tiny boardwalk. Since its shoreline was renourished, it remains a good place for sunning and swimming.

Fenwick Island: This tiny community is the ideal place to take the family. And if bored, the kids can take the bus to Ocean City to play miniature golf.

Lewes: Renowned for it’s historic aspect, Lewes has a fair-sized beach as well.